Remember when I said that my last blog would be my final Dante blog of all time? Yeah, about that....I definitely lied. We are not back together so restrain your panic.
It's late and I can't sleep and I'm listening to Aqualung, which turns out to be a lot more depressing than I remember. Earlier today, I had one of the hardest moments since I ended my relationship with Dante. I don't know what brought it on. I honestly wish I knew which thought processes led to this overwhelmingly difficult feeling that came upon me so that I could spend the rest of my life trying to avoid it.
I was sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden it felt as if my insides were being ripped apart beyond repair. I just couldn't move. My eyes watered but I was in so much pain that I didn't even want to cry. I just stared. I kept thinking to myself that this feeling was wreaking serious havoc on my heart. It sounds extraordinarily Emo but in all seriousness, I could feel my heart break. A few deep breaths later, I felt a little better but I still felt like I had just lived through a moment that changed me inside.
I wasn't going to write a blog tonight but listening to this one Aqualung song made me understand what had happened to me and I am compelled to share it with my loving friends. :) "Another Little Hole" talks about none other than tiny little holes in a girl's heart and how she actually feels it happen each day. I guess I had my first tiny little hole. I'm guessing these 'tiny little heart holes' are similar to nasty paper cuts or hangnails. Sure the cut is small and of course you put on a brave face to the outside world because really, it's just a paper cut. Inside though, your cut still hurts and pulsates enough throughout the day for you to always feel it there.
I've recovered from the initial tear but my heart feels a little empty. I find myself really terrified to let myself get to a point again where someone can cause 'tiny little heart holes.' I suppose that this is normal break up behavior and that most of the world eventually forget about the hurt they were in when they meet someone new.
I've just never been hurt this bad before.
Sometimes it makes me want to hermit myself up into my apartment and hide under the covers until I'm old. I can be a crazy Halpert lady.
So, I plan to completely go against my cravings to never wear make up or do my hair and wear baggy sweatshirts and sweatpants everyday. I'm trying my hardest to move on. I feel like this is something I need to do for myself. I'm not looking for another relationship and I'm certainly not trying to find the man I'm going to marry. I'm a little too broken and heart hole-y right now to focus on that. I just want to be around guys that will remind me that the whole male population isn't a bunch of heart breaking louts. (I've really been dying to use that word) And as selfish as it sounds, I want to make sure that I don't get comfortable holing up in my apartment every weekend night with a book and Halpert. I need to get back out there and experience this crazy thing called dating.
That is where my head is at right now. Why I'm up at 4:30am thinking about all of this? Waking up sucks because for a brief moment, I forget that Dante and I are broken up and I think that I'm lying next to him. Then I look over and realize that it's just a bunch of stuffed animals strategically placed to feel like a human body. So since I'm up, I don't think I want to go back to sleep again and do it all over. I suppose John Mayer described it best when he said, when you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.
