Fairwell my black balloon, may the weather have it's way with you.

My Farewell to 2008...

As the final days of 2008 come dwindling down to that all too anti-climatic New Year's Eve celebration, I can't help but reflect on the various events of the past year. 2008 brought with it a barrage of trials and tribulations that have made this year the one that has forced me to grow up the most. It was the hardest year; the most trying, the most challenging, and yet, the year with the happiest ending.

In 2008 I have...
Formed amazing friendships with people that I am so thankful to begin the new year with.

Stuck by my best friend through crazy times, crazy relationships and created even more unbreakable bonds in the process.

Gone to parties alone, had fun being a single girl, and realized that it's not so bad to go to bed with a good book and a dog.

Had my heart broken, remended and broken again.

Proved to myself that I am stronger than I ever thought possible.

Grown more into my body, my face and my personality.

Fallen so in love with a furry, four legged friend.

Learned to appreciate my relationship with my parents on a much more deeper level.

Learned who deserves my company, who doesn't, and still working on not caring about those who don't.

Had casual sex.

Made out with lots of wonderful and adorable boys.

Realized I'm not a slut for doing the above.

Discovered many great new bands.

Stopped feeling embarassed for loving chick country music.

Realized the importance of high thread count sheets.

Gone red, brown, and almost every color in between on my way back to blonde.

Have gotten some really unexpected life gifts from the unlikeliest of sources.

In 2009 I plan to....

Start working out more. (I know everyone makes this promise to themselves but I really want to start exercising more during the winter. Just because it's too cold to run, doesn't mean I have a 4 month excuse to be a lazy ass!)

Be vulnerable. The right guy isn't going to head for the hills if he sees you cry over a belly ache.

Let people in. They're not so bad when they care about you but I'll never know that if I never give them the opportunity to.

Stop shopping. I do not want to be on Dr. Phil for having 800,000 dollars of credit card debt.

Save money. One of these days I'll have more people relying on me than Halpert.

Keep writing my book. If I don't finish it, I'll always wonder what if.

Let go. Of everyone, everything and every thought that has made me unhappy in 2008.

Continue on in the path I've taken because so far, I am so, so happy and proud of myself.

To all of my friends and family who read this. I love you. You are the reason why I am where I am. I couldn't do it without you. I can't wait to spend 2009 with all of you.

Much, much love always :)

Move over Stephen Colbert....this is my On Notice list.

I was watching the Colbert Report last night and that man sure can make a girl shakey laugh. He decided to put "forgiveness" on his On Notice list due to the recent presidential pardons and I couldn't help but think of what I would put on my own On Notice list. So without further adue, here is my On Notice list for 2008.

1.) The Harpo Marx look-a-like ticket Officer on Thayer Street: Was it really necessary to give me a ticket for being parked less than 25 feet from the curb? Or better yet; being parked too close to a cross walk. Are you just making up ridiculous parking rules to fill your ticket quota or do you have a personal vendetta against me and my blueberry shaped Yaris?

2.) The 4 douche bag construction workers who sit at the same table at Dunkin Donuts every morning: Is it necessary to stare at me like I just walked in the door naked? In case you haven't noticed, I can hear what you whisper to each other. Not to sound like a product of the 90s but 'AS IF!' And just for the record, staring and whispering dirty things under your breath usually won't sweep a girl off her feet. Take a picture assholes, it lasts longer.

3.) Radio stations that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving: Really?! As if a month of the same 5 songs in split rotation isn't enough? You must extend the torture a few more days? Do you have to sit for 12 hours every Saturday and listen to Christmas Shoes 20 times a day? I swear that song makes me want to slit my wrists more and more every time I hear it.

4.) People that call O-P-I nail polish Opie: There's dashes between each letter for a reason. And no, I will not spend 45 minutes trying to match the nail polish color from your last pedicure. Put your toes away.

5.) People who can't remember the name of their hair care product but *thankfully* know the color of it: Newsflash folks. There's about 28 different "blue-ish" bottles in my store. Next time, bring the container and save me from the barrage of swear words that go off in my head when you look at me blankly after I've lined up all 28 bottles in front of you.

6.) The creator of the glass snow man I broke in Target: Why did you fill the glass snowman with a thousand tiny styrofoam beans? Did you think to yourself, 'Man it would be hilarious if someone broke this in the middle of the store because these fucking beans are impossible to clean up.'

7.) To the person going 55 in the high speed lane on route 4: Oh, don't worry. I'm not in a rush, really. Who cares that this is a passing lane? Just continue on your merry way and don't forget to tap on your breaks if your speedometer miraculously hits 60. Thanks for making every 7am drive to Narragansett so awesome.

8.) All girls who don't think fairy tale endings are possible (including myself): As my friend put it so nicely, you want a fairy tale ending, stop fucking Gaston.

9.) To the person who stole my lunch: Are you a character in Billy Madison? Who steals lunches? If you're really that hungry, please stop by my office and I'll be happy to give you directions to Store 24 where you can get a Cup O Noodles for .79 cents.

10.) A Double Shot at Love: Are these girls even slightly famous? Where did they come from? Do you just have to be cute and bisexual whores to get on TV now? And if I see the commercial of that disgusting, steriod filled, muscle bound meat head guy saying 'twins' over and over again, I will literally lose my mind.

I believe that is it for now. I'm sure I'll add more as 2009 comes closer and closer. I'm such a bitter little thing this holiday season. ;)

The new Pick Up Artists...

Glenn and I have a new obsession with Mystery on Vh1's The Pick Up Artist. We spot him in various random places such as Target and the drive thru window at Wendy's. It's hard for him to hide his true identity with his choice of hat wear. Fuzzy top hats just aren't as inconspicuous as they used to be.

We're pitching a new idea for Vh1 called "The New Pick Up Artists," featuring Halpertz and Miloz. What better way to get chicks then with two cute dogs that can fit in the palm of your hand?

I never thought I'd be this cliche....

But I AM quoting Bright Eyes lyrics for my song for the beginning of December. I feel "Bowl of Oranges" is very fitting of my life right now so I'm caving and doing the emo kid thing. I will make sure my hair falls in front of my eye as I copy and paste this:

*The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. There was a loophole in my dreaming, so I got out of it. And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been. So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets. But everything seemed different and completely new to me. The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body. And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet. I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health. I said "there is nothing I can do for you that you can't do for yourself." He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help." So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt. He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure. Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile." So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone. And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow. But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself. It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope. That is why I'm singing...Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying, I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad, then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company through those days so long and black. And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve, of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall. Then I think we would see the beauty, then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges, like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.*

- Bright Eyes, Bowl of Oranges

Breakthrough.

"It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me. And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain—the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head—but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.
'It will be as if I'd never existed.' They were just words, soundless, like print on a page. Just words, but they ripped the hole wide open. I curled over, pressing my face against the steering wheel and trying to breathe without lungs. I wondered how long this could last. Maybe someday, years from now—if the pain would just decrease to the point where I could bear it—I would be able to look back on those few short months that would always be the best of my life. And, if it were possible that the pain would ever soften enough to allow me to do that, I was sure that I would feel grateful for as much time as he'd given me. More than I'd asked for, more than I'd deserved. Maybe someday I'd be able to see it that way. But what if this hole never got any better? If the raw edges never healed? If the damage was permanent and irreversible? I held myself tightly together. As if he'd never existed, I thought in despair. What a stupid and impossible promise to make! He could steal my pictures and reclaim his gifts, but that didn't put things back the way they'd been before I'd met him. The physical evidence was the most insignificant part of the equation. I was changed, my insides altered almost past the point of recognition."


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I spent last night curled up with a book. I was Halpert-less and in the mood to be alone. I've been doing a lot of inner soul searching lately; contemplating karma and how the implications of my actions will affect my near and distant future. I've been trying to pinpoint the origin of my feelings in search of the source controlling my recent behavior. And last night, in the midst of my reading, I found the answer glaring loudly off the page.

Suffering from heart break has been the worst thing I've ever had to go through in my 24 years on this earth. I know that I've been through worse experiences; the deaths of loved ones, dealing with the effects of family alcoholism, and building up a thick skin to withstand my home life but for some reason my break up with Dante is the most raw and painful experience I have ever had to endure.

He was my world. My everything. I've loved before but not in the same way I loved him. I thought I was going to marry him; honestly and truthfully, I thought I had found the one person I was meant to be with forever. Our relationship was beautiful and everything I have ever wanted. I was never so happy as I was when I was with him. When it came to an end, the break up and it's aftermath was torture. It took every fiber of my being not to fall apart at the seems. Just existing took exurbanite amounts of energy. It hurt to sit still. It hurt to move. It hurt to sleep. Nothing I could do could ease the feeling that my body was being torn apart from within.

I found someone new quickly, too quick. In hindsight, the new relationship was much like placing a band aid over a hemorrhaging limb. I forgot the stitches, the medicine, and most importantly the time it takes to heal. I was in such a rush to replace the pain with the excitement that comes with a new relationship that I ignored what I knew I should do; be alone and prove to myself that I can be strong on my own. I just wanted to be me again but I didn't realize that you can never find yourself in someone else. Time passed and of course, the new relationship came to an end. You cannot build a house on a ground plagued by fault lines that rumble and twist the foundation of the house. In the end when the band aid was torn off, I was faced with the same gaping hole. Only this time, I chose numbness. I chose NOT to feel.

I was tired of feeling heart broken. I was exhausted by the thought of feeling weak and vulnerable again. I became mean, heartless and unfeeling. Anyone that got too close, I violently pushed away. I slept with people I shouldn't have. I hurt people who didn't deserve it. And I shied away from those who wanted to help me. But I was tough. I didn't cry anymore. I didn't need anyone anymore. I didn't rely on one person and I was so happy to know that all I needed was me. I got sick, I took care of myself. I got scared of strange noises outside, I investigated it myself, relying only on a can of pepper spray. I needed help moving heavy things, I gritted my teeth and did it myself. I wanted to go to a nice dinner, I treated myself. I did everything I was terrified I could never do alone after Dante and Brandon left. The only problem was, I wasn't healing. I was numb. I didn't feel anything but my need to be strong.

I knew something within me was still very wrong because every time I entertained the idea of committing myself to someone in a relationship my heart raced. I would literally break into a sweat and my breathing would quicken at the thought of giving myself to someone again. To love is to be vulnerable, to trust, to give yourself up 100% to the other person believing with every fiber of yourself that the other person will do everything they can not to hurt you. Love is giving someone all the power to destroy you and trusting them that they won't. Up until last night, I refused to do that again.

No matter what, I couldn't, I wouldn't be left sitting alone and devastated on my couch with my Dad and Mom on each side of me staring at the ticking time bomb that was their daughter and waiting for her to crumble. I would not find myself curled up on the bathroom floor, after crying so badly that her body heaved enough to vomit. I would not be a shell of myself while trying to smile and convince those with concerned eyes that I was OK and my sallow eyes, and thin frame was only because of tiredness and not my inability to sleep or eat without my relationship. Those are the tangible things I remember. Those are the memories that surface every time I think of starting a new relationship. It can never be as if they never existed because no matter what, you ARE changed and those sickening memories of the pain and heart ache never fade. Last night, seeing my pain described perfectly in words brought everything I had buried for the past year up to the surface and for the first time in awhile, I cried.

Sobs racked my body harder than I've let them in so long. It was like I was catapulted back to that day in December when Dante left or that day in June when Brandon left. I was hurting all over again like my wound was reopened and raw. Nothing was protecting me anymore. Not sex, not a warm body, not the shallow attention of some random person. I was just me, alone and feeling my pain like I should have done months ago. I survived the pain then and I survived it last night. I will always survive it. I am strong. Everything I ever wanted to be, I am. My break ups have molded me into a far more capable person than I ever was before. Tremendous amounts of good came from my break ups and I can't ignore the positive any more.

Relationships and the love, loss, hurt, pain, happiness and all the things that come in-between help to mold who you are. It builds your character, your convictions, your strength. If I continue on my quest to protect myself from feeling this pain again, I'm inevitably shutting out the many good things that come with it. I've been stopping my own growth this entire time. Love may hurt, it may destroy me again but I'm no longer going to avoid the start of something beautiful just because I fear the end of it. I still am terrified at the thought of a relationship but after last night, I'm no longer going to push people away, or clamor for the company of those who make it OK for me to settle. Because someone out there wanted me to read this passage, to feel again and I can't ignore it anymore.

It's the holidays. My first holidays spent single. It's scary and lonely and hard but it's also exhilarating to know I can get through it and still enjoy every day with my friends and family. I will deal with my pain, my gaping wound, the right way. It will heal. I will heal. No more band aids. No more quick fixes. I want to be with someone some day, someone amazing, someone wonderful. He's out there. I know it. And until the day when I discover who he is, I'll be here. Existing. Living. On my own.

Newsflash: I am officially a 15 year old girl in a 24 year old's body.

I am writing this blog with full awareness of the embarassment I may suffer from actually publishing this to the internet, blog reading public (aka the few friends of mine who care enough to read this.) I believe there is a pre-pubescent girl in all of us so called grown ups and I fully intend to never lose her. So as an ode to my inner teeny bopper, I'm giving her free reign of my blog today.

I really love the Twilight series! Not only is the story of Bella & Edward a very endearing love story but the books themselves are extremely well written. I think it's a huge accomplishment as an author to write a book that appeals to tweens, teens, young adults and adults all over the world. My mom loved the books as much as I did and the 12 year old daughter of my hair dresser is just as obssessed as we are. And I'll admit it, I have joined the parade of girls with raging crushes on Edward Cullen, everyone's favorite vampire.

Primarily, I have found this book comforting. It's my nightly security blanket. For an hour I'm able to slip into a fantasy world and take part in a relationship that I could only dream of having for myself one day. Stephanie Myers created a character with the exact qualities a girl of any age would look for in a male companion. Vampire or not, Edward Cullen is caring, thoughtful, protective and exudes just the right amount of mystery. My love life has been a little lackluster lately so it's been nice to be taken away from that for awhile.

The movie was amazing as well and Rob Pattinson may just be my new John Krasinski. I don't think I'll be naming my next dog after him but he's definitely celebrity crush worthy.

So to any and all of you who haven't yet read these books, I highly recommend it. Go see the movie, and if you're a girl, don't resist your swooing. It's totally OK to be in love with a fictional character. :)

Oh, and download "Never Think" by Rob Pattinson. It's a beautiful song. It brings the swoons (especially when you're feeling particularly swoon-less and hopeless that a once in a lifetime romance may never come your way).

That's all for my inner 15 year old. I'm putting her to sleep in her New Kids on the Block sheets now.

The song of November.

*That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to, as I pace back and forth all this time cause I honestly believed in you. Holding on, the days drag on. Stupid girl; I should have known, I should have known that I'm not a princess. This ain't a fairytale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell. This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down and now its too late for you and your White Horse to come around. Baby I was naïve, got lost in your eyes. I never really had a chance. I had so many dreams about you and me. Happy endings; now I know. Cause Im not your princess. This ain't a fairytale. Im gonna find someone, some day who might actually treat me well. This is a big world, that was a small town, there in my rearview mirror, disappearing now. And it's too late for you and your White Horse. Now its too late for you and your White Horse to catch me now.*

- Taylor Swift, "White Horse"

I love this song. It's beautiful and moving. And oddly helpful. :)

Over rocked & face melted: my eye witness account of the alienation of 10,000 Smashing Pumpkins fans.

Glenn, Robert and I went to see the Smashing Pumpkins on Sunday. The excitement in the car ride up to Mohegan Sun was palpable. I've known Robert and his Smashing Pumpkins obsession for almost 10 years now and I have to say that I was more excited to see his face than I was to see the actual band. I was given a Pumpkins "crash course" of songs that I should know, love and sing along to. We were totally ready for an amazing, life changing and musically inspiring concert!

The show started off with a strange trippy cocktail of lights, guitar effects and a borage of strange noises that slightly (in the loosest possible sense) resembled music. An immediate feeling of dread washed over me as I hoped the rest of the show wasn't going to follow this pattern. I felt an urge to drop acid just to be able to follow the lights and sounds coming from the stage. Thankfully, the Pumpkins began to play actual music and pleased both Glenn and Robert with playing a lot of obscure but amazing songs.

My favorite part of the evening was when Glenn screamed out to Rob and I, "I have been over rocked! My face? Melted." Billy and his subsequent Pumpkins were putting on an amazing, rocking and powerful show. I was ready to lean over to Robert and say that this was the best show I have ever seen but that's when things went terribly, terribly wrong....

For one full hour and for one full 45 minute encore, all Billy Corgan orchestrated was an earfuck of indistinguishable noises reminiscent of a talentless Blue Man Group show gone wrong. It was torture. My ears bled. My eyes burned from the bright lights. My mind reeled from all the sounds. The boos started echoing over the loud "music" and it was apparent that everyone else shared my same sentiment; this sucked! Finally Billy's ego decided to desist in permanently ruining our memories of forever ago when he put on a show that would please someone other than himself and we were released. Walking out dumb founded, Rob said to both of us, "I really wish Billy just slapped me in the face and took my money instead." I'm pretty sure that would have been more enjoyable for all of us to watch.

Needless to say, I will not be going to another Pumpkins show and I'm pretty sure Rob broke up with Billy on the car ride home. The highlight of my night? The delicious Wendy's we had on the way home. It almost made up for having to witness the slow and painful hour and a half suicide of Billy Corgan's career.

Some hilarity to kick off November.

Halpert is collaborating with Kanye West on a new album called, "My Momz took my Greek Olivez"

It all originated here....

LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:15:39 PM): lols! ohmygosh! I just realized this Kanye song says "moms"
GlennStefani (12:15:52 PM): come see yuh mommsss!!
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:16:09 PM): "aint you meet that chick who's friends with your moms..."
GlennStefani (12:16:25 PM): hahah i think halpert writes for kanye
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:16:48 PM): how funny would that be?! that's what halpert does when i'm not home
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:16:53 PM): he's like 'hola kanye!'
GlennStefani (12:17:18 PM): hahah "god bless momzzz , wilzz, kanyezzz"
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:18:35 PM): all i can picture is halpert raising his paw up and down trying to be all gangsta with kanye
GlennStefani (12:18:57 PM): hahaah
GlennStefani (12:19:16 PM): wearing those sunglasses with the lines in them
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:20:30 PM): halpert's working on kanye's next hit 'my momz took my gweeeek ohhhlivvveezz.'
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:23:03 PM): Halpert's rapper name is Halpie Beats
GlennStefani (12:23:37 PM): Puurt- Diddy
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:23:59 PM): Halpe 3000
GlennStefani (12:24:14 PM): Halp Cube
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:24:24 PM): Halp Doggy Dogg
GlennStefani (12:24:45 PM): Dr. Halp
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:25:00 PM): Notorious H.A.P.
LiTLDeViLJoMo (12:25:40 PM): Two already claims Two-pac...so you can't use that one :P
GlennStefani (12:25:48 PM): ohh yeah good call!

Halpert is hard core gangster.

My widget personality. :)

Flower in the Rain.

*You were sixteen and I was all wired. You were Venus di Milo inspired. You convinced me that I was OK. I convinced you that maybe you'd stay. If I thought that you'd give up on me, I'd have never said hello. We grew up and you grew away but I'd follow you till my dying day. All the guys that would try for your hand couldn't steal you from this desperate man. And this face that you see, well you know it ain't me. With this lack of resolve and of will, like a dog that won't learn, visions you can't discern. But you know me and you like me still. 26 and I've grown enough. I'm not better, but I won't give up. You're still here like a flower in rain. You get knocked down then you rise up again.*

- Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers

It's my favorite song of October. It's beautiful and endearingly sweet. :)

Thoughts for the end of October.

Two blogs in one week! My inner blogger is feeling extra vocal this week. It's slow at work so I could possibly chalk my urges to blog up to the hours of free time on my hands (you can only surf gossip websites for so long). Plus, let's face it, I have to use my English degree for something. Who would have thought that my hours spent slaving away on 30 page essays analyzing the work of world renowned authors would only aid in my one post college writing endeavour....an online blog. A blog that I'm pretty sure only five people read. Thanks URI. $20,000 well spent.


Enjoy this masterfully written blog by an English major who graduated with a 3.98 and now uses her college degree as a pretty decoration in her apartment...


I got the new Kings of Leon CD because I was sickeningly obsessed with their 'Sex on Fire' song. Mike Z. from Newbury Comics gave it a glowing review and I eagerly listened, and subsequently swooned once I got in my Yaris because how can someone rock gray hair at such a young age and still be that sexy? He could tell me to listen to the brand new Jonas Brother's CD and I'd nod my head, smile, and avidly agree that the Jonas Brother's are going to take over the world. In all honesty, the Kings of Leon CD is good but I wouldn't say it was life changing or ground breaking. It's like hard core Dave Matthews. It's listenable but not the orgasm for your ears that Mike Z. was claiming it to be. But you know the next time I go into Newbury I'm going to deny all of this and swear up and down that it's my favorite CD ever. I'm such a sucker for cute boys with gray hair. Swoon!

Feeney and I have been watching horror movies all week. I couldn't sit through House of a 1,000 Corpses. It was profoundly disturbing to see my beloved Dwight/Rainn Wilson turned into a fish boy. Although, at least I know what happened to Chris Hartwick after Singled Out ended. I used to love that show. Feeney of course had no idea who or what I was talking about because he lived a sheltered, cable free childhood. I have now watched Poltergeist, Silence of the Lambs, The Ring, and one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I think by Halloween I will have met my Halloween movie quota for the year. No more blood and guts for me!

Speaking of Nightmare on Elm Street, I made a DAMN good female Freddy Krueger at Kelly's party last Saturday. How terrifying is this face?


Oh yeah. I'm one scary chick. :) Anyway, the party was a blast! I met a lot of new and super nice people. And I was reminded how old I was as I began to sober up and realize I was flirting with 19 year olds. I'm pretty sure that realization was scarier than anything else that will happen this Halloween.

Halpert had a wonderful first birthday! He had lots of toys, company and a special birthday cake. His new favorite toy is Feeney's stuffed skeleton. He dug all the guts out of it and now it's flat but Halpert carries it with him wherever he goes. What an adorable little boy! He adores Feeney too which is the sweetest thing ever. This is by far my favorite picture ever of my two best boys:


I'm sure there will be various other Halloween activities to come this weekend. I'm looking forward to Havican's birthday tomorrow (he's getting to be such an old man but shhh)! It should be a good time. Maybe Halpert will even be nice to him this weekend!

That's all for now kiddies.

<3

Just forget me, it's that simple.

*Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait cause there are some things that I'd like to say to you. Now I could make this obvious and you, you could deny me all in one breath. Just go and shrug me off your shoulders...*

Remember when I published the supposedly true (and shocking, don't forget shocking) story that I no longer missed Brandon? That turned out to be an entirely FALSE story. It was like tabloid fodder written by a columnist who had a really shoddy and unreliable source. That person has since been fired. So here is my published correction: I miss Brandon. I still have strong feelings for Brandon and I'm pretty sure he can continue to win me over by sending me lame-ass Border's email coupons. Forget flowers folks...the way to this girl's heart is discount book sales.

I was doing a really wonderful job at repressing/ignoring/forgetting/getting over my past (pick one, go with it, whatev) with Brandon and also learning to let go of the hope that someday, down the line, he would come back home and we would magically pick up where we left off. I had this demented fantasy that my life would work out perfectly like one of those neat serendipity based movies where the two main characters take completely different paths in life but inevitably get reunited because their love was just that meant to be. Like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks or Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. Then I realized that there's a reason why I'm thinking of movies instead of actual realistic instances. Reason being...situations like that usually don't work out. Reality states that the guy who left the girl will find a new girl in new location and girl left behind will slut herself out with random dudes to fill the big black hole the guy left when he left. No reunion. No serendipity. And certainly no happily ever after...at least not for the two of them.

I spent the last few months since Brandon's departure to the Windy city purposely putting myself in romantic situations where I could not or would not seriously fall for any other guy in the hopes that Brandon would come back. Then it dawned on me that this behavior was not only self destructive but also terribly hurtful to the guys who were involved in my life. And why should I deprive myself of a really wonderful guy just for the slight chance to rekindle a relationship with a guy who didn't even care enough about me to try to make it work at a distance? I finally realized that I needed to let go of my Brandon fantasy.

So I did. I really tossed myself into something that I think/thought could/will (you choose the word because I can't) be something really good for me. I finally started to feel happy and on my way to the old Johnna, pre Brandon, pre Dante, pre heartbreak. Then...WHAM! POW! Total sucker punch.

Back to square one. Back to fighting back the gigantic lump in my throat every time I even step foot in the Providence Place Mall. Back to hiding my DVD of Enchanted. Back to where I was before he ever left. That's the funny thing about repression. You can ignore your feelings all you want but all it takes is ONE thing to bring them back into the forefront as strong as ever.

Time healed me with Dante. I can now converse with him through email, and on the phone, and not feel an inkling of regret or loss. I know we were not meant to be and I am completely okay with being his friend. I care about him and I always will but the buck stops there.

I need to let time do it's magical healing thing on my feelings for Brandon. If they're meant to go away, they will. I need to just be in my thoughts and let them take their course rather than push them down and away from me. I can't rush this because I don't think I'll ever get over him if I do.

I miss him. I miss the silliest things too. I miss how his chain used to clink against the side of his jeans when he walked. I miss how he insisted on making the bed sheets perfectly tucked in and wrinkle free before we went to bed. I miss his skeleton gloves. I miss how weird his ears used to look with his plugs out. I miss pulling into his parking lot and walking up to his door. I miss Spike (RIP). I miss sitting in his car and shuffling through his ipod. I miss how dorky he used to look singing Michael Buble. I miss knowing he was on the other side of Providence while I was sitting in my office. I just plain old miss him.

So my life and my feelings are a constant work in progress. I think any 24 year old girl's life is going to be that way. I thought I was on the right track to making an important decision but I think I missed a turn. I have to reverse and figure out how to correct myself on the inside before going any further.

That's all for now folks. I'm thinking my next blog will be about something far less dramatic....like my new love for baking cupcakes or Halpert's new obsession with his skeleton toy.

<3

Chihuahua birthday parties & other fun fall activities.

Wow! I kind of suck at keeping my blog updated. Every day I set a goal to write something, but then I'd get easily distracted by such important things as Scrabulous, Perezhilton.com, or the all too imperative AIM conversations with Glenn about serious world issues (and by world issues I mean talk of "nomming" and the lameness of his music taste.)

Prime example of our actual live conversation at this moment...

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:44:44 PM): it just makes you want to stuff your face with cookies

GlennStefani (3:45:19 PM): oh i can imagine!

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:45:33 PM): :o" src="aolbart:/1024/id/2B0000028E/3E3A6F" unselectable="on"> <--- me about to stuff my face with cookies

GlennStefani (3:48:39 PM): youre gonna nom like crazy!!

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:49:07 PM): total super nom!

GlennStefani (3:49:12 PM): haha then super vom!

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:51:41 PM): guess what song im listening to?!

GlennStefani (3:51:49 PM): Lemme guessss

GlennStefani (3:51:59 PM): the luckiest????

He is right by the way. I swear I have this Ben Folds song on repeat.


So here's my life in a nutshell...maybe not a nutshell because I'm allergic. Here's my life in a clamshell....

1.) Halpert's birthday is Saturday! I can't believe I've had him a whole year! I just love that little boy so much. He's just too stinkin cute. He's expelled from Brown because of ferocious Chihuahua behavior and I'm beginning to have irrational fears that my apartment will catch on fire when he's there by himself. I wish I could hire a full time dog sitter. I don't know what I'd do without that boy. The party for him is on Sunday and all of his faves, and not so faves will be there for him to lick, growl and wag his tail at.

2.) Halloween is soon! I am going to be the sluttified, female version of Freddy Krueger. I vowed I'd be something scary this year and what's scarier than that?! Although, maybe my version of Freddy would only haunt you in crazy sex dreams. That would be awesome!

3.) Don't ask me to explain what's going on in my romantic life because at this point, you'd probably have a better idea than I would. I think I may just hand my personal life over to Robert for awhile and let him straighten it out. As of right now, Halpert is the only man in my life I'm trusting to sleep in my bed. :)

4.) I need to stop shopping. I no longer have room in my closet (literally; I can't fit a hanger in it). I pretty much no longer have room in my bank account either. Countdown to zero debt begins now. Hopefully by July I will be 100% debt free. Hoo-ray! I say that now but as we speak I'm probably eyeing the Express website looking for yet another shirt I don't need.

5.) I'm trying to grow my hair out. Why did I cut it again? I always do this! I can never just keep it long. I get too antsy.

6.) I miss Barb. True story.

7.) I no longer miss Brandon. A shocking but true story.

8.) I'm starting to fear that I became too independent to let anyone in again. Working on it...and so far, failing. The idea of relying on someone is terrifying. I'm thinking of making it my New Year's resolution but we all know how often people end up sticking to those.

9.) I am now an auntie times 3! My three little nieces Juliana, Olivia, and Nicole. By the time I make it down to Florida, I'll probably have three daughters.

10.) I can't wait for it to get really chilly. I have such cute sweaters that are just dying to be worn.

That's all for now kiddies! :) I promise to write more soon.

32 Flavors.

Squint your eyes and look closer, I'm not between you and your ambition. I am a poster girl with no poster. I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head cause someday you're going to get hungry and eat most of the words you just said.

Both my parents taught me about good will and I have done well by their names. Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers is more than I can explain, still there's many who've turned out their porch lights just so I would think they were not home and hid in the dark of their windows til I'd passed and left them alone.

And God help you if you are an ugly girl, course too pretty is also your doom cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. And God help you if you are a pheonix and you dare to rise up from the ash, athousand eyes will smolder with jealousy while you are just flying back.

I'm not trying to give my life meaning by demeaning you and I would like to state for the record I did everything that I could do. I'm not saying that I'm a saint. I just don't want to live that way. No, I will never be a saint, but I will always say squint your eyes and look closer. I'm not between you and your ambition. I am a poster girl with no poster. I am thirty-two flavors and then some. And I'm beyond your peripheral vision so you might want to turn your head cause someday you might find you're starving and eating all of the words you said.

- Ani DiFranco

My vow to blog!

I've been a purely sporadic blogger in the past. I only wrote when I felt inspired or overwhelmed by certain aspects of my life. Consequently I've created literary black holes between my epic blogs that fail to depict my day to day inner workings of my sometimes cluttered, sometimes confused, always cheery mind. So this is my vow to blog on the mundane, the ordinary, and the sometimes salacious events of my life.

I made cookies and cupcakes last night and I still have green food coloring embedded in my nails. It's distracting me from writing because I keep lifting up my pinkie and ring finger to stare intently at the green ridges around my nails; like the pure power of my stare will make the food coloring disappear. So far, my stare is powerless against the green.

My friends and I watched Teeth last night. What better way to kick off the Halloween season than eating cupcakes and cookies while watching a horror movie about a girl who has teeth in her vagina? Surprisingly, the movie wasn't that bad! Granted I've now seen more bloody, castrated penises than I've ever cared to see in my lifetime but all the genital gore aside, I liked it! I still find it incredibly hard to believe that one girl would be taken advantage of sexually by that many men but then again, I was watching a movie about a vagina with teeth.

Best quote of the movie, "I haven't jerked off since Easter!" (Which by the way, by this movie's standards is a decent enough of an excuse to rape someone.)

After everyone left, I was once again reminded that I have to call my landlord about the clog in my kitchen sink. Washing huge cupcake pans is really tedious in my tiny bathroom sink.

I've been reading "Running With Scissors" (I know, this book came out awhile ago, give me a break, I'm late to jump on the band wagon!) before bed every night. Last night the chapter "Mastabatorium" just didn't sit well with me after watching Teeth. Something is creepy about a therapist who has a Mastabatorium he uses between clients for when he needs to "relieve himself." It made me wonder if any of my doctors have ever done that. It's just strange to think of your doctor doing anything else other than walking around in a white lab coat writing prescriptions.

Today is Ben Folds day. I'm excited! I hope he plays "The Luckiest." It's such a beautiful song. :)

I think this ends my vow to blog for the day. I leave you with the pictures of my new niece, Miss Nicole Silvestri.

An Open Letter to No One.

Do you ever feel like you have your back turned to the edge of a metaphorical cliff that's as monumental in size as it is in importance but the balls of your feet are just resting in limbo, rocking back and forth between solid ground and space? Rocks and dirt slip beneath your weight and plummet over the side of the cliff and your heart races within your chest because you know you'll soon have to meet a similar fate. You'll have to fall. Let go. Cease thought. Cease worry. Cease resistance and trust that your feet will land calmly and softly on solid ground.

But you can't.

You're frozen; caught in the crux of a battle between your head and your heart. Your heart is innocent and open, filled with unwavering faith and optimism. Your head is cynical, jaded, and unwilling to give up its need to protect, to maintain....to survive. What wins? What will be the ultimate leader of your feet? The decider of your ability to make the perpetual fall? The leader of your near and distant future? The ultimate guide of your life?

I chose to fall. I chose to take a leap, to trust my heart, to trust in faith and above all else, to trust in my own strength to survive the consequences of my choice. Even if my feet landed on unsteady ground, and my body met the hard ground with a thud that shook my core, I would never regret my decision to fall. I will always believe that it takes more conviction to love unfailingly and leap into the wonders of the unknown than to spend your energy meticulously routing the pathways of least risk.

Methodical thought. Perverse logic. Pain staking analysis. I strongly admire you for following steadfastly in your belief to always abide by these principles. All of your actions are robotic, systematic, disciplined, precise. You do not say things you don't sincerely mean. You do not do things that you may later regret. You listen to your head above all else. You act in a fashion that will cause the least amount of damage, hurt, tears, regrets, pain to you and those around you.

But you are contrived. Guarded. Elusive. Intangible. Enigmatic. Arcane. Deadpan. Indifferent. Apathetic. Cold. Anesthetized.

You are the exact opposite of me.

So I fell. I plunged off of the cliff. I gave myself up to the possibility of heartbreaking pain. And you stayed. Rooted. Grounded. Safe.

My fall was met with a stiff resistance resembling the collision of two planes mid flight, reality smacking my chest and robbing the air from my lungs. I felt each tear hit my chest bouncing off my skin and echoing the words 'You. Chose. Wrong,' with each drop. Maybe I should have gingerly backed away from the edge of my mighty cliff, cradling my pride and my heart in their delicate states with two protective hands. Would I continue to sleep as soundly as I did before I met you or would my head resonate with regret, wonder, and doubt?

I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I would rather fall asleep heartbroken and wise then lay my sound body down with a questioning heart.

I still believe in following my truest and most sincere feelings and tumbling forward with a reckless abandon that you could never possess. I would fall ten times over for you, each time knowing the hard ground that waited below me. You say that you've been burned and that your heart has learned from its mistakes. I hope that mine never does. I want my heart to continue to love like it's the first time it's ever heard of such a thing. I want it to race and flutter every time I see you. I want it to ache and feel empty when you hurt me. I want it to swell with happiness when you don't. I want it to know that even if it gets broken, that it will repair and it is stronger than anything that can happen to it. And at the end of me, and the end of my heart, I want it to know that it was resilient in its need to innocently love and to blindly fall for any and all of those who touched it.

Thoughts brought to you by Gavin Castleton.

Our governments could’ve co-existed.
My wild tyranny could’ve been rhythm to your soft democracy,
building a language and crumbling a cold war in one shot.
Our relationship was a tug of war, test of time and confidence: pushing the previous night outward against the will of my eyelids and the "right-now-ness" of a whole kingdom.

Love for you is responsibility. Eating, for me, is distracting.
Art is a blanket that covers you for warmth or ignorance.
You shift with plane rides.
Where you live is a truck stop clerk,
see millions fall by with nickel eyes and pavement wounds.
Don’t let them in the bathroom – tell them that you’re cleaning it.
I’VE BEEN IN IT.
I gave you space – you took it and ran with my closure.
I think you left because I looked happy.
I think you hide because you’re lazy.
I think you lie because you’re yellow.
I deserve concern, I deserve a return letter, you know better.
I never wrote you great poems, I just meant them
You never tried to save our friendship, you just went numb.

I have to thank Gavin Castleton for being creative enough not to fall into the stereotypically "Emo" methodology of song writing. Many kudos to you.