Just forget me, it's that simple.

*Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait cause there are some things that I'd like to say to you. Now I could make this obvious and you, you could deny me all in one breath. Just go and shrug me off your shoulders...*

Remember when I published the supposedly true (and shocking, don't forget shocking) story that I no longer missed Brandon? That turned out to be an entirely FALSE story. It was like tabloid fodder written by a columnist who had a really shoddy and unreliable source. That person has since been fired. So here is my published correction: I miss Brandon. I still have strong feelings for Brandon and I'm pretty sure he can continue to win me over by sending me lame-ass Border's email coupons. Forget flowers folks...the way to this girl's heart is discount book sales.

I was doing a really wonderful job at repressing/ignoring/forgetting/getting over my past (pick one, go with it, whatev) with Brandon and also learning to let go of the hope that someday, down the line, he would come back home and we would magically pick up where we left off. I had this demented fantasy that my life would work out perfectly like one of those neat serendipity based movies where the two main characters take completely different paths in life but inevitably get reunited because their love was just that meant to be. Like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks or Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. Then I realized that there's a reason why I'm thinking of movies instead of actual realistic instances. Reason being...situations like that usually don't work out. Reality states that the guy who left the girl will find a new girl in new location and girl left behind will slut herself out with random dudes to fill the big black hole the guy left when he left. No reunion. No serendipity. And certainly no happily ever after...at least not for the two of them.

I spent the last few months since Brandon's departure to the Windy city purposely putting myself in romantic situations where I could not or would not seriously fall for any other guy in the hopes that Brandon would come back. Then it dawned on me that this behavior was not only self destructive but also terribly hurtful to the guys who were involved in my life. And why should I deprive myself of a really wonderful guy just for the slight chance to rekindle a relationship with a guy who didn't even care enough about me to try to make it work at a distance? I finally realized that I needed to let go of my Brandon fantasy.

So I did. I really tossed myself into something that I think/thought could/will (you choose the word because I can't) be something really good for me. I finally started to feel happy and on my way to the old Johnna, pre Brandon, pre Dante, pre heartbreak. Then...WHAM! POW! Total sucker punch.

Back to square one. Back to fighting back the gigantic lump in my throat every time I even step foot in the Providence Place Mall. Back to hiding my DVD of Enchanted. Back to where I was before he ever left. That's the funny thing about repression. You can ignore your feelings all you want but all it takes is ONE thing to bring them back into the forefront as strong as ever.

Time healed me with Dante. I can now converse with him through email, and on the phone, and not feel an inkling of regret or loss. I know we were not meant to be and I am completely okay with being his friend. I care about him and I always will but the buck stops there.

I need to let time do it's magical healing thing on my feelings for Brandon. If they're meant to go away, they will. I need to just be in my thoughts and let them take their course rather than push them down and away from me. I can't rush this because I don't think I'll ever get over him if I do.

I miss him. I miss the silliest things too. I miss how his chain used to clink against the side of his jeans when he walked. I miss how he insisted on making the bed sheets perfectly tucked in and wrinkle free before we went to bed. I miss his skeleton gloves. I miss how weird his ears used to look with his plugs out. I miss pulling into his parking lot and walking up to his door. I miss Spike (RIP). I miss sitting in his car and shuffling through his ipod. I miss how dorky he used to look singing Michael Buble. I miss knowing he was on the other side of Providence while I was sitting in my office. I just plain old miss him.

So my life and my feelings are a constant work in progress. I think any 24 year old girl's life is going to be that way. I thought I was on the right track to making an important decision but I think I missed a turn. I have to reverse and figure out how to correct myself on the inside before going any further.

That's all for now folks. I'm thinking my next blog will be about something far less dramatic....like my new love for baking cupcakes or Halpert's new obsession with his skeleton toy.

<3