I was watching the Colbert Report last night and that man sure can make a girl shakey laugh. He decided to put "forgiveness" on his On Notice list due to the recent presidential pardons and I couldn't help but think of what I would put on my own On Notice list. So without further adue, here is my On Notice list for 2008.
1.) The Harpo Marx look-a-like ticket Officer on Thayer Street: Was it really necessary to give me a ticket for being parked less than 25 feet from the curb? Or better yet; being parked too close to a cross walk. Are you just making up ridiculous parking rules to fill your ticket quota or do you have a personal vendetta against me and my blueberry shaped Yaris?
2.) The 4 douche bag construction workers who sit at the same table at Dunkin Donuts every morning: Is it necessary to stare at me like I just walked in the door naked? In case you haven't noticed, I can hear what you whisper to each other. Not to sound like a product of the 90s but 'AS IF!' And just for the record, staring and whispering dirty things under your breath usually won't sweep a girl off her feet. Take a picture assholes, it lasts longer.
3.) Radio stations that play Christmas music before Thanksgiving: Really?! As if a month of the same 5 songs in split rotation isn't enough? You must extend the torture a few more days? Do you have to sit for 12 hours every Saturday and listen to Christmas Shoes 20 times a day? I swear that song makes me want to slit my wrists more and more every time I hear it.
4.) People that call O-P-I nail polish Opie: There's dashes between each letter for a reason. And no, I will not spend 45 minutes trying to match the nail polish color from your last pedicure. Put your toes away.
5.) People who can't remember the name of their hair care product but *thankfully* know the color of it: Newsflash folks. There's about 28 different "blue-ish" bottles in my store. Next time, bring the container and save me from the barrage of swear words that go off in my head when you look at me blankly after I've lined up all 28 bottles in front of you.
6.) The creator of the glass snow man I broke in Target: Why did you fill the glass snowman with a thousand tiny styrofoam beans? Did you think to yourself, 'Man it would be hilarious if someone broke this in the middle of the store because these fucking beans are impossible to clean up.'
7.) To the person going 55 in the high speed lane on route 4: Oh, don't worry. I'm not in a rush, really. Who cares that this is a passing lane? Just continue on your merry way and don't forget to tap on your breaks if your speedometer miraculously hits 60. Thanks for making every 7am drive to Narragansett so awesome.
8.) All girls who don't think fairy tale endings are possible (including myself): As my friend put it so nicely, you want a fairy tale ending, stop fucking Gaston.
9.) To the person who stole my lunch: Are you a character in Billy Madison? Who steals lunches? If you're really that hungry, please stop by my office and I'll be happy to give you directions to Store 24 where you can get a Cup O Noodles for .79 cents.
10.) A Double Shot at Love: Are these girls even slightly famous? Where did they come from? Do you just have to be cute and bisexual whores to get on TV now? And if I see the commercial of that disgusting, steriod filled, muscle bound meat head guy saying 'twins' over and over again, I will literally lose my mind.
I believe that is it for now. I'm sure I'll add more as 2009 comes closer and closer. I'm such a bitter little thing this holiday season. ;)
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