My widget personality. :)

Flower in the Rain.

*You were sixteen and I was all wired. You were Venus di Milo inspired. You convinced me that I was OK. I convinced you that maybe you'd stay. If I thought that you'd give up on me, I'd have never said hello. We grew up and you grew away but I'd follow you till my dying day. All the guys that would try for your hand couldn't steal you from this desperate man. And this face that you see, well you know it ain't me. With this lack of resolve and of will, like a dog that won't learn, visions you can't discern. But you know me and you like me still. 26 and I've grown enough. I'm not better, but I won't give up. You're still here like a flower in rain. You get knocked down then you rise up again.*

- Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers

It's my favorite song of October. It's beautiful and endearingly sweet. :)

Thoughts for the end of October.

Two blogs in one week! My inner blogger is feeling extra vocal this week. It's slow at work so I could possibly chalk my urges to blog up to the hours of free time on my hands (you can only surf gossip websites for so long). Plus, let's face it, I have to use my English degree for something. Who would have thought that my hours spent slaving away on 30 page essays analyzing the work of world renowned authors would only aid in my one post college writing endeavour....an online blog. A blog that I'm pretty sure only five people read. Thanks URI. $20,000 well spent.


Enjoy this masterfully written blog by an English major who graduated with a 3.98 and now uses her college degree as a pretty decoration in her apartment...


I got the new Kings of Leon CD because I was sickeningly obsessed with their 'Sex on Fire' song. Mike Z. from Newbury Comics gave it a glowing review and I eagerly listened, and subsequently swooned once I got in my Yaris because how can someone rock gray hair at such a young age and still be that sexy? He could tell me to listen to the brand new Jonas Brother's CD and I'd nod my head, smile, and avidly agree that the Jonas Brother's are going to take over the world. In all honesty, the Kings of Leon CD is good but I wouldn't say it was life changing or ground breaking. It's like hard core Dave Matthews. It's listenable but not the orgasm for your ears that Mike Z. was claiming it to be. But you know the next time I go into Newbury I'm going to deny all of this and swear up and down that it's my favorite CD ever. I'm such a sucker for cute boys with gray hair. Swoon!

Feeney and I have been watching horror movies all week. I couldn't sit through House of a 1,000 Corpses. It was profoundly disturbing to see my beloved Dwight/Rainn Wilson turned into a fish boy. Although, at least I know what happened to Chris Hartwick after Singled Out ended. I used to love that show. Feeney of course had no idea who or what I was talking about because he lived a sheltered, cable free childhood. I have now watched Poltergeist, Silence of the Lambs, The Ring, and one of the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. I think by Halloween I will have met my Halloween movie quota for the year. No more blood and guts for me!

Speaking of Nightmare on Elm Street, I made a DAMN good female Freddy Krueger at Kelly's party last Saturday. How terrifying is this face?


Oh yeah. I'm one scary chick. :) Anyway, the party was a blast! I met a lot of new and super nice people. And I was reminded how old I was as I began to sober up and realize I was flirting with 19 year olds. I'm pretty sure that realization was scarier than anything else that will happen this Halloween.

Halpert had a wonderful first birthday! He had lots of toys, company and a special birthday cake. His new favorite toy is Feeney's stuffed skeleton. He dug all the guts out of it and now it's flat but Halpert carries it with him wherever he goes. What an adorable little boy! He adores Feeney too which is the sweetest thing ever. This is by far my favorite picture ever of my two best boys:


I'm sure there will be various other Halloween activities to come this weekend. I'm looking forward to Havican's birthday tomorrow (he's getting to be such an old man but shhh)! It should be a good time. Maybe Halpert will even be nice to him this weekend!

That's all for now kiddies.

<3

Just forget me, it's that simple.

*Just think of this and me as just a few of the many things to lie around, to clutter up your shelves. And I wish you weren't worth the wait cause there are some things that I'd like to say to you. Now I could make this obvious and you, you could deny me all in one breath. Just go and shrug me off your shoulders...*

Remember when I published the supposedly true (and shocking, don't forget shocking) story that I no longer missed Brandon? That turned out to be an entirely FALSE story. It was like tabloid fodder written by a columnist who had a really shoddy and unreliable source. That person has since been fired. So here is my published correction: I miss Brandon. I still have strong feelings for Brandon and I'm pretty sure he can continue to win me over by sending me lame-ass Border's email coupons. Forget flowers folks...the way to this girl's heart is discount book sales.

I was doing a really wonderful job at repressing/ignoring/forgetting/getting over my past (pick one, go with it, whatev) with Brandon and also learning to let go of the hope that someday, down the line, he would come back home and we would magically pick up where we left off. I had this demented fantasy that my life would work out perfectly like one of those neat serendipity based movies where the two main characters take completely different paths in life but inevitably get reunited because their love was just that meant to be. Like Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks or Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams. Then I realized that there's a reason why I'm thinking of movies instead of actual realistic instances. Reason being...situations like that usually don't work out. Reality states that the guy who left the girl will find a new girl in new location and girl left behind will slut herself out with random dudes to fill the big black hole the guy left when he left. No reunion. No serendipity. And certainly no happily ever after...at least not for the two of them.

I spent the last few months since Brandon's departure to the Windy city purposely putting myself in romantic situations where I could not or would not seriously fall for any other guy in the hopes that Brandon would come back. Then it dawned on me that this behavior was not only self destructive but also terribly hurtful to the guys who were involved in my life. And why should I deprive myself of a really wonderful guy just for the slight chance to rekindle a relationship with a guy who didn't even care enough about me to try to make it work at a distance? I finally realized that I needed to let go of my Brandon fantasy.

So I did. I really tossed myself into something that I think/thought could/will (you choose the word because I can't) be something really good for me. I finally started to feel happy and on my way to the old Johnna, pre Brandon, pre Dante, pre heartbreak. Then...WHAM! POW! Total sucker punch.

Back to square one. Back to fighting back the gigantic lump in my throat every time I even step foot in the Providence Place Mall. Back to hiding my DVD of Enchanted. Back to where I was before he ever left. That's the funny thing about repression. You can ignore your feelings all you want but all it takes is ONE thing to bring them back into the forefront as strong as ever.

Time healed me with Dante. I can now converse with him through email, and on the phone, and not feel an inkling of regret or loss. I know we were not meant to be and I am completely okay with being his friend. I care about him and I always will but the buck stops there.

I need to let time do it's magical healing thing on my feelings for Brandon. If they're meant to go away, they will. I need to just be in my thoughts and let them take their course rather than push them down and away from me. I can't rush this because I don't think I'll ever get over him if I do.

I miss him. I miss the silliest things too. I miss how his chain used to clink against the side of his jeans when he walked. I miss how he insisted on making the bed sheets perfectly tucked in and wrinkle free before we went to bed. I miss his skeleton gloves. I miss how weird his ears used to look with his plugs out. I miss pulling into his parking lot and walking up to his door. I miss Spike (RIP). I miss sitting in his car and shuffling through his ipod. I miss how dorky he used to look singing Michael Buble. I miss knowing he was on the other side of Providence while I was sitting in my office. I just plain old miss him.

So my life and my feelings are a constant work in progress. I think any 24 year old girl's life is going to be that way. I thought I was on the right track to making an important decision but I think I missed a turn. I have to reverse and figure out how to correct myself on the inside before going any further.

That's all for now folks. I'm thinking my next blog will be about something far less dramatic....like my new love for baking cupcakes or Halpert's new obsession with his skeleton toy.

<3

Chihuahua birthday parties & other fun fall activities.

Wow! I kind of suck at keeping my blog updated. Every day I set a goal to write something, but then I'd get easily distracted by such important things as Scrabulous, Perezhilton.com, or the all too imperative AIM conversations with Glenn about serious world issues (and by world issues I mean talk of "nomming" and the lameness of his music taste.)

Prime example of our actual live conversation at this moment...

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:44:44 PM): it just makes you want to stuff your face with cookies

GlennStefani (3:45:19 PM): oh i can imagine!

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:45:33 PM): :o" src="aolbart:/1024/id/2B0000028E/3E3A6F" unselectable="on"> <--- me about to stuff my face with cookies

GlennStefani (3:48:39 PM): youre gonna nom like crazy!!

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:49:07 PM): total super nom!

GlennStefani (3:49:12 PM): haha then super vom!

LiTLDeViLJoMo (3:51:41 PM): guess what song im listening to?!

GlennStefani (3:51:49 PM): Lemme guessss

GlennStefani (3:51:59 PM): the luckiest????

He is right by the way. I swear I have this Ben Folds song on repeat.


So here's my life in a nutshell...maybe not a nutshell because I'm allergic. Here's my life in a clamshell....

1.) Halpert's birthday is Saturday! I can't believe I've had him a whole year! I just love that little boy so much. He's just too stinkin cute. He's expelled from Brown because of ferocious Chihuahua behavior and I'm beginning to have irrational fears that my apartment will catch on fire when he's there by himself. I wish I could hire a full time dog sitter. I don't know what I'd do without that boy. The party for him is on Sunday and all of his faves, and not so faves will be there for him to lick, growl and wag his tail at.

2.) Halloween is soon! I am going to be the sluttified, female version of Freddy Krueger. I vowed I'd be something scary this year and what's scarier than that?! Although, maybe my version of Freddy would only haunt you in crazy sex dreams. That would be awesome!

3.) Don't ask me to explain what's going on in my romantic life because at this point, you'd probably have a better idea than I would. I think I may just hand my personal life over to Robert for awhile and let him straighten it out. As of right now, Halpert is the only man in my life I'm trusting to sleep in my bed. :)

4.) I need to stop shopping. I no longer have room in my closet (literally; I can't fit a hanger in it). I pretty much no longer have room in my bank account either. Countdown to zero debt begins now. Hopefully by July I will be 100% debt free. Hoo-ray! I say that now but as we speak I'm probably eyeing the Express website looking for yet another shirt I don't need.

5.) I'm trying to grow my hair out. Why did I cut it again? I always do this! I can never just keep it long. I get too antsy.

6.) I miss Barb. True story.

7.) I no longer miss Brandon. A shocking but true story.

8.) I'm starting to fear that I became too independent to let anyone in again. Working on it...and so far, failing. The idea of relying on someone is terrifying. I'm thinking of making it my New Year's resolution but we all know how often people end up sticking to those.

9.) I am now an auntie times 3! My three little nieces Juliana, Olivia, and Nicole. By the time I make it down to Florida, I'll probably have three daughters.

10.) I can't wait for it to get really chilly. I have such cute sweaters that are just dying to be worn.

That's all for now kiddies! :) I promise to write more soon.